Will knit for tattoos

Today has been a day of thinking. Thinking about things that I want.

I want a tattoo.
I want to be a writer.
I want to have a bakery some day.
I want a boyfriend.

Think, think, think, think, think.
Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream.

I feel like that is all my life has become. I think and dream constantly, but everything always seems to far out of reach. I want to be a writer. I want to write stories and share them with others. so........ I think constantly about this storyline or that or how a book would sound, would anyone buy it. I never actually write a book.

I think about having a boyfriend, about being in a relationship, about holding hands and having fun. But that's all. I don't meet new people, put myself in situations to meet new people, nothing. I just think about it, and hope that maybe a suitable man will fall from the sky and land next to me.

I was once told that I have beautiful dreams.

I am terrified that that is all my life has become. Beautiful dreams that will forever swim around in the far reaches of my brain. I want an herb garden, sunflowers......but I never quite get around to making it happen. I have been living my life in hypotheticals.

I'm scared. I'm terrified of doing anything. I have frozen in fear and never gotten unstuck. I'm drowning in a pool of rainbows. My good ideas and good intentions have begun to choke out the life in me because they have nothing to do with my actual life. Someone observing me living day to day would never know the wonders that go on inside me because I never let them reach the surface, I never let them influence how I actually live.

And I am finished. I am finished being afraid of living. I'm tired of lying low and keeping safe.

I am not meant to live in a box.