Do you think this will count instead of my homework?

The world opened and there you were,
smiling and laughing and uttering promises
you never intended to ever keep.
You trusted in my desire to heal,
to patch and mend where broken
hearts and souls had so deadly collided.
I opened up where I had given up
and let you come in to be safe
from the howling and dangers
that lurked out there
where you played.
So now where should I look?
I've woken up and you're gone
off searching, convinced
what you seek lies beyond.
I never meant to treasure
the light that you brought
in from the outside to where
I've sat hidden within.
So now where should I look,
where should I go...
to whom should I give
the trust that's not really my own?
Back to the garden
hidden safe behind walls,
it's where I feel safe
where I've always felt I belonged.
How dare you bring glimpses
of what lives without,
how dare you spark within my soul
desires for places, faces, and dreams
I've come to seek only in my books,
within their gilded seams.
My garden seems dark now
it's flowers all wilted and fake.
I can't simply stay here,
but how can I go?
Will my legs truly carry me
whither I must roam?
Timidly stepping from the
walls of my garden, my prison,
my home, I feel the warm sun
all excited, aglow.
I must make this journey,
to where I know not
for the paths are twisted,
curling outward from me,
and I know when next i see you
my soul shall be free.

naps

nap

I need one

right now

immediately

now

I don't want to be at work

but I still want the money

can I just have a nap please?

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

I usually end up singing this song every single year on my birthday. Not because I'm actually sad on my birthday, but because it's a fun song to sing at the top of my lungs, and because it's my birthday no one can tell me to stop making their eardrums bleed with my horrific tone deaf squeaking.

I love birthdays. I love them.

I think they are a great way to pump your fist at the universe and say, "no matter what crap you've thrown at me, I have lived another year, and I am going to be happy today and eat birthday cake for breakfast and you can't stop me."

So I did. I ate a giant hunk of birthday cake for breakfast and danced by myself in my room and celebrated my life.

Because birthdays are meant to be celebrated with as much innocent enthusiasm as when you were 5.

And since it's my birthday, it means you have to listen to me! :D

Let's get sentimental

Life isn't what I thought it would be.

That doesn't have to be something scary, a monster lurking around corners, waiting to tear me to bits.

So life turns out to be a bit different than I imagine...if I'm honest, most of the things in my life that I treasure most are things that didn't turn out at all like I hoped.

I'm not the prettiest girl. It's a fact. It used to be a fact that burned at my soul and ate away at my happiness, but now I have come to recognize that my lack of beauty directly contributed to the beauty I cultivated in my mind. I am the person I am today because I didn't really have friends my own age and was awkward and shy and could never really relate to my peers. All of the things I love most about myself, the things that will last long past my good looks I may have had, all of them grew up in that absence of physical beauty.

I think sometimes we hold to certain dreams without realizing that they aren't really the dreams that matter at all. The ones that really matter will set us free, they will hold us up high and set us above the clouds, where the sun will warm us and light the way.

Life isn't what I thought it would be... and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

What do you mean by "Oops"?

Friday, January 14, 2011

That day something amazing happened. I walked into a hair salon and got my hair cut. Now, I'm not talking about trimming it a few inches. I mean, cut a bunch of it off and in a totally different style. Every time the lady asked, "Do you like it like this, or do you want to go shorter/different/whatever", I answered, "Do whatever you want."

That short sentence, folks, is the reason I feel my haircut is blog-worthy. Now granted, I don't exactly write about the most profound things ever thought up, but for me, this was a big deal.

I have big-time control issues. I don't like letting other people have control or say over me or my life. Frankly, it's because I don't trust them as far as I can throw them, and if you have ever seen my try and throw a baseball, you'll know that throwing isn't exactly my talent. The idea of letting over people have any part of me in their hands is terrifying to me. It's why I can't watch the road when someone other than me is driving the car I'm riding in. My hair being long has been sort of a way for me to convince myself that I have control over something in my life. But Friday, sitting in that chair, I just let go and let her do whatever she wanted, and it was great. I love my hair.

Now I'm not saying that tomorrow I'll be fine with driving on the interstate sitting in the passenger seat of a total stranger, but I think I'm moving in the correct direction. Sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes you just have to trust. Even though my fingers rebel at typing that, I believe that is true. I know that I must start to actually trust others.

The Rumbles

Sometimes I hate my gut feelings.

They are usually almost always right, and they never tell me something I want to hear. Well, ok maybe sometimes they do. Like that time that Molly was drinking an INSANE amount of milk and I totally just knew that she was pregnant....two to three weeks later her and Jon told me that they were in fact pregnant. That moment, however, is an anomaly. Usually my intuition is shouting in it's snotty little voice telling me that things that I just don't want to hear. So, more often than not, I ignore the advice. I stick my tongue out, make an equally snotty remark, and then continue doing what I want.

I'm not sure why I do this. If I would just listen, yeah at first it would be crappy, but it would save me so much time, effort, heartache, and stress if I would just freaking listen. I'm told a lot that I give good, practical advice to other people. That comes from somewhere. I know it's good advice, and sometimes I feel sad when my friends choose to ignore that advice. Who am I to judge??? I never listen to that advice either, even though I know in my heart of hearts that it's right.

I want so much to just live, but I feel that some vital piece of information or skill is missing, and I just keep spinning around in circles with no idea of how to stop. So here it goes....

Dear Gut,

I am sorry for disregarding your caring advice in the past. You have never lead me astray when I have actually stopped to pay attention and listen to you. I have treated you with disrespect and derision. Please forgive me, and if I promise to listen from now on, will you please promise not to be such a smart-ass when you tell me "I told you so?" Thanks

I NEED that orange highlighter IMMEDIATELY!

It is only the second day of the semester and already my poor little planner looks like a pen and multiple highlighters exploded all over it. I feel sleep deprived, stressed out, and on the verge of making a run for the hills. Second.day.of.classes.

On the other hand, however, I also feel empowered. This vacation to California has really opened my eyes to a lot of things I want to make happen in my life, and I can't just sit around and wait for them to just materialize. I need to get up and do it! So although I do feel a bit like my life is already completely out of control, it doesn't really bother me as much as I thought it would, and hopefully God will drag me along if I pass out along the way.